The weirdest shit happens to me!

Doing my best to keep austin weird!

2008-12-20T19:15:00.002-06:00

Step One - Shave Christmas Tree Beard:

Step Two - Attempt to bleach hair. Fail.

Apply Green Dye:

Wait 30 minutes....

Why I hate Houston, TX

2008-12-14T08:28:00.001-06:00

You are doomed to loop this infernal ring of fire in traffic forever.

How to be totally emasculated by your doctor in three easy steps

2007-05-20T08:12:00.000-06:00

1) Enjoy oral sex in the morning
2) Eat oversized sandwich and break your already sore frenulum linguae
3) Go to doctor's and get instructed on sensitive parts of the female anatomy.

Basically, the lack of postings is due to a new girlfriend. Had a little bit of an overactive morning and as I told my doctor, "I tried to stick my tongue out too far"

Somehow he decided it was time to teach me which bits are the fun ones. How embarrassing. In related news, the frenulum is making a complete recovery.

Only at my apartment can spinning luggage on your head be a sport.

2007-04-16T20:25:00.000-06:00

Go figure.

We do weird shit in the name of competition.

I think I saw Harvey, a 6 foot white rabbit last night

2007-04-15T13:15:00.001-06:00

And he was dancing to Metallica.

Downs Syndrome and the Water Tank

2007-04-15T13:11:00.000-06:00

Dress up nice son, I'm taking you OUT tonight.

Sweatpants. Wow.

Watching pool, listening to karaoke, and dancing with the waitress, mashing chicken fingers into your maw, followed by shitting your pants in public.

Daddy's little disappointment.

What? You don't like PUSSY?

2007-04-15T12:35:00.000-06:00

I got yelled at for not fucking someone. Unreal. It's guys night, sat night, we are all out, drinking, laughing, and generally being uproarious and this girl comes over and says she is curious why all of us are out, and nobody is talking to any women. So I decided to explain that we were all gay. It seemed like an easier thing to do than explain that 3 out of the 4 of us are recently single and bitter about women, and we go to dive bars because there is not a risk of female drama. but oh no, not tonight. So she takes the "gay" response, and goes back to her gf and her gf's husband. I see her watching us all and shit, and eventually she comes back over.

Now, allow me to paint the picture. Dive bar. Me not drinking. Her drinking plenty (as are all my friends) 11pm, guys night out.

She asks again, "really? you guys are all gay?" now the guys hear it and begin to protest.. "whoa, wait, im engaged!" the sole who isnt bitter rings out...

Needless to say, she leaves the bar.. her friends stay behind.. and then, unexpectedly, her female friend came up to us and asked if we were gay.

"Of course not."
"Well, you know you just passed up on getting laid, right?"
"Wait, WHAT?"
"my friend was hitting on you."
"yea, I gathered. I told her I was gay"
"why?"
"seemed easier than the truth"
"which is?"
"I don't come to a bar like this to meet women."
"why not, you don't like PUSSY?"

Then all the guys started to join in on this party, and eventually her man/husband/friend came over and asked if we were gay. Oh HELL no we aren't dude... We just werent fucking intested.

"Oh"

"I won't come out tonight unless theres gonna be cake"

2007-03-31T12:31:00.000-06:00

Fine. Be that way.

The story tied to this was brilliant. We told everyone it was his 25th birthday. We had an 80 year old couple sing happy birthday for karaoke for him. Then the old guy came over, saw the cake, and said.. "Faggot, is that your last name?" and then hugged Marco and said, "I'm just kidding, happy birthday, faggot"

Bwahahaha

My HR lady thinks I should write comedy.

2007-03-26T01:32:00.000-06:00

Is this a commentary on my IT skills at all? Should I be flattered and funny, or pissed and bitter?

I dont know why, but this is HILARIOUS

2007-03-21T14:01:00.001-06:00

I lost my hat!

2007-03-10T16:52:00.000-06:00

Found it a week later - behind a chair in the living room. Asked some friends, apparently we were all drunk and Jacob was shoving me into my chair. here's a friend's re-enactment:

When the power goes off

2007-02-28T17:01:00.000-06:00

the tough get going.

>

40kva for our servers for the evening.

Anyone else's soda machine have a mystery drink?

2007-02-23T12:17:00.000-06:00

How weird.

It was sunkist.

Help Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Austin (and me!)

2007-02-20T20:17:00.000-06:00

Help out if you can, anything helps!

Bowling for Kids Sake!

Worst flight ever

2007-02-19T22:41:00.000-06:00

I wont bother you with the whiney details of why I was delayed. However. The last leg (atlanta to austin) I was seated next to a woman that made me shudder on first sight.

She was seated 20% into the left side of my seat, and was easily pushing 240. When I saw down, and sneezed, she said "It's probably my perfume, makes my son sneeze too." Yea, cause you dowsed your fat ass in it in the airport bathroom.

Anyhow, Im getting preemptively angry. Read on for why.

She ordered a Miller Lite. And then asked me if I played sports. I shook my head no, and put on headphones. She handed the attendant a ten and said "bring me the next one the next time through" and almost pounded her miller lite.

Then she put up her tray and snored and rolled on me a bit. When her leg touched mine for more than a few minutes, I could feel the sweat and felt ill.

Then she woke up, and I swear to all I believe to be true... put down the tray table simply to conceal she needed to scratch her crotch. The end. Thank you fat lady for making me quiver for 1000 miles.

Ski trip 2007

2007-02-14T16:34:00.000-06:00

Went with the boys up to Sunapee in New Hampshire. Cold.. about 2-20 degrees depending on top/bottom and time of day, but NOBODY on the mountain. No waiting for lifts at all, nobody else on the mountain practically.

Matt, Brian, Rich, and AJ.

Matt, Brian, Rich (wtf pose) and myself.

same as above without the goofy pose.

The one with the 10 second timer so we could get us all in the shot.

Dead cats = always funny

2007-02-05T16:16:00.000-06:00

Dead cat near work. Hilarity ensued.

Modeled after this classic internet pic:

Retroactive post #1

2007-01-24T00:33:00.000-06:00

Its not like I need to do retro. Today probably had something weird, but unremarkable.

Instead, I bring you pics from the Xmas party i went to with some friends. Major Austin entertainment company.

Captions below:

Skyler split his pants.

Matthew, Skyler, Peter

Peter, Skyler, Me.

Matthew, Skyler, Peter, and I.

Matthew and fiance.

Skyler sweating

Skyler sweating. Also pictured, Kaleb macking.

what TV show had a chick reeling in dudes at the bar?

2007-01-23T23:30:00.001-06:00

I had to remind him that was 3 nights ago at Little Woodrows.

Oh my.

Wacky German people

2007-01-16T21:50:00.000-06:00

Hammered at 7pm in a dive bar. Always a good decision

Another random phone call....

2007-01-16T14:48:00.000-06:00

Well, OK, three... and an email.

This morning. 3 calls from a +8610 country code. Thats Bejing, China. They spoke English poorly, and were looking for Martin.

Weird.

Also weird, got a comment on this here blog from a stranger in Germany named Dieter.

Hello kind sir.

Its snowing in Texas

2007-01-16T12:00:00.000-06:00

This is a special occasion for Texans. I know people who have lived here and NEVER seen snow. Ever. Like "only on TV" types. The town is shut down. Completely. Being from the Northeast, this tickles me in so many ways. I watched people fall down. I witnessed a fender bender. An asian woman fell down icy steps with large trash bags (she was OK, so its safe to laugh at that)

All this hilarity. For THIS much snow:

I pushed some together for a close up.

My neighbors were making a RACKET last night...

2007-01-14T18:10:00.000-06:00

Im usually a quiet person, but I actually went up and banged on the door. They were playing dance dance revolution!

I laughed so fucking hard.. the guy answered the door apologizing

Random phone call today

2007-01-12T13:09:00.000-06:00

"Dad"
"Umm yea?"
"My car didnt pass inspection cause when you unplugged the battery, it cleared the computer"
"you didn't drive it around long enough, so the readiness sensors werent reset fully yet. Oh and I think you have the wrong number."
"Oh, weird, you sounded like my Dad."
"Yea, I figured, good luck with the inspection."

LOL

I feel NAKED.

2007-01-11T23:37:00.000-06:00

Had a trimming accident. This occurs at least once a year. I feel like an infant without the goatee.

I feel like a proud father...

2007-01-07T17:43:00.000-06:00

Turned this pile of boxes

into THIS.

Sexy.

So my buddy goatse'd my wallet SNWS

2007-01-07T13:18:00.000-06:00

Best prank someone has pulled on me in a while.

My wallet fell out of my pocket in his car, I realized it later, and had planned to go out, so he did some printing/taping.

Best reaction was when I got ID'd at the first place we went and showed someone this without looking:

THE REST OF THESE ARE GROSS AND NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Or when I paid cover with this:

O

Or started a tab with this card:

M

And after finding all those, dug in more and found this:

G

Best prank that has been pulled on me in a WHILE.

At 32, for New Years... I gave a midnight wedgie!

2007-01-02T20:12:00.000-06:00

I swear, I may never grow up.

I love/hate my fucking car

2006-12-28T20:47:00.000-06:00

When shes good, shes great. I have had an outdated inspection for almost 8 mos now. Finally NEED to do it, since 2007 stickers will look very different and my old one will stand out. Unfortunately, I have a check engine light, and that equals a fail. I found someone through a friend of a friend of a friend to provide one. soooo shady. And 4x the cost of a regular inspection. But it's cheaper than the new clutch and flywheel that will fix my CEL. Now im trying to decide if its time to get rid of this car and get something a little more affordable for a while.

Might have to hit some used car lots this weekend and see what its worth on the trade compared to the amount I owe and get something way less cool. :(

Kind of sucks.. its like putting your kid up for adoption.

Ice Skating in Texas

2006-12-27T15:50:00.000-06:00

Found a local rink that apparently is year round. Went, had fun.

Pics courtesy of Brian who laughed at me the whole time.

Christmas - How I roll

2006-12-26T12:12:00.000-06:00

What a weird holiday this time around. Went out to a goth bar for 80s night, refused to dance. Had a few drinks, went home with a friend. She apparently leaves in the middle of the night, and my cell rings at 6am from a friend that just found out his wife who hasnt fucked him in 3 years has been fucking someone else. So 6am, someone is screaming bloody murder at me. I wake up, talk, and then fall back asleep til 1pm, then I frantically shower and head to a co-workers house for xmas dinner. She always has a good crew at her place, this time was no different. Ate, drank.. i might have even acted merry. I somehow forgot to put her on the Christmas list, and now I owe her one. I made a mildly inappropriate joke about sheep fucking (or bestiality for you literati) and she starts dying laughing and gave me the shirt below. Goddamn. Hilarious. Her 80 year old mother was even laughing her ass off. Good times.

6AM, Christmas Day, my phone rings...

2006-12-25T12:07:00.000-06:00

My friend found out his wife's cheated on him for 3 years now. I have NEVER heard him so broken up. Even though they have been separated for 5-6 mos now, he's a broken man. Wow. Worst part is, I can't say I'm shocked. We've all told him to end it for ages now. Why? She hasnt so much as touched him in 2+ years. No sex, no affection, not as much as a hug for 2 years. Poor guy.

Note to self.

2006-12-25T12:05:00.000-06:00

Sheets that smell like Ben Gay = not sexy.

This is the sign of a good night

2006-12-23T10:04:00.000-06:00

God dammit, my friends make me laugh.

Happy Holidays to my son, the agnostic.

2006-12-23T10:02:00.000-06:00

Thanks, Mom!

I swear, she just doesnt get it.

A bird dropped dead next to me today

2006-12-23T09:58:00.000-06:00

I was on a call I knew would be a long one (65 minutes) so I had the wireless headset, and went outside to pace so I could concentrate on the call...

An I shit you not, this bird fell from the sky and landed 1 foot to my left.

Scared the ever living crap out of me. It fluttered a few times, then died.

I asked a desktop support engineer to make a proper casket for burial.

Has it really been a month since I posted.

2006-11-14T22:28:00.000-06:00

Yikes.. oh well.

So... work is great and busy as hell.. and keeps me happy too, cause I get to work on some pretty cool stuff. But I did have a major screw up this week at a relatively public local client, and it put be through some pretty bad crap before we were able to get things fixed, so that's not good.

Anyhow, on to the more interesting weird tidbits that have happened...

I got a random message from the local bartender girl that noticed I hadnt come in for a while. I dont know whether to feel good that im noticed missing or bad that it was from the local bar (was i really going there that much?) Either way, kind of odd. (and no, she wasn't flirting.)

Bank of America is a disaster. Im trying to remove one checking account and make a new one the primary on everything and close the other one, and its just NOT happening like I hoped. I think moving to a new bank would have been easier. Might be time to do that soon.

I sold my TV. I loved that thing, but I have literally lugged that 300lb monster (Sony Wega KVR450 36" whatever XBR.) all over the country, and I figured.. its still a nice TV, might as well get decent dollar value before flat screen TV's get too far below $800, it makes it easier for people to jump to that. So out the door with stand, $450. It sold on craigslist in 2 emails. I love CL for somethings. My coworker says its only good for nooners. Apparently, he hasnt checked CL for that in several years. LOL.

Ikea is coming to Austin. You would think it was Paul Revere the way people are riled up about this shit. Holy crap, you too can own pine endtables for under $20. Woo hoo. I don't get it. Go get more shit for your places, retards. (dont bother sending hate mail if you love Ikea, you will get mocked and publicly humiliated (by all 2 people reading this blog))

My MSPainting skills continue to flourish.

I haven't posted any here, so here goes.

A certain website im on has a thing for visualizing a misspelled phrase or word.

For example, the bank has a lean on your house

Dont make an escape goat of him.

A Parrotty (parody)

Meloncollie

Youth in asia.

I have lots more. If I get some comments, ill dig some more up.

I get off in 30 minutes.....

2006-10-19T23:17:00.000-06:00

OK, good night.

Fuck :(

I've never really liked blondes.....

2006-10-14T07:44:00.000-06:00

Im sitting in my local bar. It's karaoke night. People are on stage singing, the crowds pretty big, and Im sitting there nursing a beer. A hot, thin, blonde of about 23 years comes up to me and SCREAMs "is tonight Karaoke night?" I dont answer. Then I realize that was directed at me. I look at her, look at the stage, look at the TV with the song's words on it. I look back at her. "Nope" She looks at me perplexed. "Is that the singer on stage?" I then turn, and look at the stage and realize I am dealing with a level of dumb I didnt really come to expect. "No, this is pre-recorded" I say. Then her friend (Im thinking realizing her friend just had a blonde moment) grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her out of there.

It was then I realized that I totally put off a hot girl that was talking to me. Fuck it, though if she was that dumb, I wouldnt even want to use her for the evening.

As if my el paso gay bar story wasnt bad enough

2006-10-12T00:08:00.000-06:00

Check out what else is this week

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Coming_Out_Day

Dammit.

Business trips and gay bars!

2006-10-10T00:14:00.000-06:00

I went on a business trip on the 5th-6th. And prior to the trip, I needed to do some serious prep work, so I banished surfing for fun and porn and fit in some study time before the journey. While I was there, I met up with someone from OT that I knew from a friend.

I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, and they dont have hotel bars. So when I told him, "meet me at the hotel bar" I soon found out, I gave him wrong directions since it didnt fucking exist.

So I walked to the closest beer serving establishment (literally catty cornered from the hotel, not in a crappy area either) inappropriately named "Chiquita's Bar" which a quick google reveals is a gay bar in El Paso. However, wandering down the street, this was far less apparent. I walked right in, and immediately got sized up by some Hispanic dudes. No offense, if you know El Paso, a white dude stands out quite a bit.

I ordered a beer. The bartender asked if I was just visiting, I said yea, staying at the Express... he said his name was Raoul and if I needed anything at all, to let him know. I then looked around and took in the environment. It was covered in halloween crap. It was only the 5th. Weird. You guys sure take halloween seriously. (by you guys, I meant owners/patrons of the establishment, regardless of orientation)

He responded, "Yea, just put it all up last week."

Wow. A month of costume parties. Weird. This somehow didnt strike my attention.

My friend showed up. He had never heard of the place, said it was new. The next day, I found out it was a straight bar called "The Backdoor" or something.

He came in, had a beer, and watched me play pool. Then two dudes walked in.

Holding hands. And then they kissed Raoul hello. It was then I knew I needed to leave.

Im not homophobic, but I just dont want anyone getting the wrong idea either.

So my friend and I left, went to several other places without event......

then the next day at my clients, I hear the name of Chiquita mentioned..... and I ask... "is that a gay bar?"

of course... just my fucking luck.

Well i picked the right day to try adderal.

2006-10-10T00:05:00.000-06:00

I travelled for work thursday and friday last week, and had expense, status reports, etc to do, as well as regular workload, meetings, and all that. And on top of that, at 5pm, I got my new laptop. perfect, I spent all night installing stuff and perfecting shortcuts, scripts, installs and all that personalization stuff.

Im not even tired, and its 1am. And tomorrow I am already pumped up for. Yikes!!

Last night at the bar.... this girl comes up

2006-10-01T11:24:00.000-06:00

HAMMERED. Like shit talking drunk.

Comes up to the table... and says... and this is a direct quote.

"I have 3 questions for you... Im married, now show me your cocks."

There were 3 of us, so she might have thought that sounded smooth or clever or something, but it came off like a drunken bar slut who was doing this as her husband looked on.

Then she stole both our hats and put them both on her head and talked about her boobs with us for a while.

Weird shit happens to me, I swear.

I got denied on a booty call

2006-09-30T00:30:00.000-06:00

I got a call... 11pm.

Hey, im almost ready for bed.... come to the bar for a shot and a beer...

I get there... Im no dummy, I know whats up.

She says, im tired, im going home.

Wtf. I dont get it.

I overslept for work today.... because of a cricket.

2006-09-29T10:56:00.000-06:00

I got home last night, and somewhere in my apartment was a cricket. I looked everywhere, but couldnt catch or kill it. So I decided to just go to bed, and they kept chirping all night, so I learned how to ignore that sound. My Sidekick 2 is my alarm clock, and the default sound for alarms is crickets chirping.

Guess who slept through it this morning?

you know you are a geek when

2006-09-25T23:13:00.000-06:00

[00:06:15] chrislehr03: gimme yer home ftp
[00:06:22] somedude: not enough space there
[00:06:22] chrislehr03: ill up over next few days
[00:06:25] chrislehr03: weak
[00:06:34] somedude: yeah - old server I need to retire
[00:06:47] somedude: has less than 700MB left
[00:06:56] chrislehr03: you know you are a geek when you have to retire your "home" servers
[00:07:02] somedude: it's sad

when I view my own profile on okcupid

2006-09-25T22:57:00.000-06:00

im 93% matched
and 96% friend
what parts of me do I hate?
we are 0% enemy, so thankfully its nothing serious

Saying goodbye is so hard.

2006-09-25T01:17:00.000-06:00

So tonight, was leaving the bar. A girl that my friend thinks is into me says goodbye. Im close to her, but Im not at a point where I want to give her a hug... so I go to give the "well see ya" wave (the sheepish, if you miss it, you didn't miss much one) and she thinks Im high fiving.

The result. The most awkward, finger intertwining post smack high five I have ever been witness to, nonetheless involved in. I feel like I have wronged mankind. Needless to say, I walked away quickly and didn't look back.

[04:54:20] myfriendmark: Neo pick up the phone

2006-09-22T04:11:00.000-06:00

Are you serious? 4:45am? You call me? And we spoke for 10 minutes?!?!?

I swear I could have been on hidden camera this week

2006-09-20T22:09:00.000-06:00

Walking on 6th street, broad daylight (around 1pm) with a business cohort.

We see an old man on a scooter, STOPPED, in the middle of the road.

As we approach, a cop on a motorcycle pulls up, and goes AROUND him, continuing on.

I say, "Why is he stopped in the middle of the road?"

We walk past him....

"Excuse me, gentleman"

Great. "Yea?"

"My cart seems to be stuck, can you help me?"

At this point, we try to push him out of the road. I *see* him holding the brake. I look at my friend and mouth "what the fuck" he shrugs his shoulders and we get the old man going somehow.

I could have sworn it was a hidden camera thing. Fucking weird.

So I had a meeting today with my new employer...

2006-09-20T22:06:00.000-06:00

First meeting with new co-workers, we are pre-meeting, and just catching up.

One of them is apparently late, and someone says "I either caught him with his pants down or his mouth full, but he said he would be here"

I said, "was he at a rest stop?"

And nothing more.

Am I already red flagged by HR ya think?

I wish it wasnt true. I felt bad.

I said "the new guy probably shouldnt say that, huh?"

I was told, "nah, the partners laughed, so you are in the clear."

How to open a bottle of wine without a cork screw!

2006-05-21T20:14:00.000-06:00

Now with pics!

Screw + screwdriver + pliers = OPEN without spilling a drop or ruining your cork.